Worthless information abounds

Big Mouth

Big Mouth (Photo credit: UpChuck_Norris)

If worthless information were a cash crop there would be no contest at who the top farmer in America would be.

The U.S. Government.

While I don’t want to disrespect the states and their rivers of unimportant information spread across the Internet, I must say that the Federal Government via the USDA takes the proverbial cake.

I subscribe to a number of Internet feeds and e-mail blasts from a host of government agencies as part of my job. Thankfully I no longer have to pull 16 reams of paper from a fax machine on a daily basis anymore, just so I can fill my waste paper can three times over in the course of a normal business day. It’s easier to hit the <DELETE> button and send the e-mail into the cyber file 13.

Take for instance the USDA’s “ChooseMy Plate.gov” e-mail blast that you too can subscribe to receive. I recommend against it. It apparently exists to teach us how to eat good food and be healthy. I’m sure there’s better things in your Yahoo junk mail box to read.

This is what someone in Washington DC is being paid to write:

  • Get up and move during commercials to get some physical activity and avoid the marketing. (When else are we supposed to go to the bathroom and rid our colons and bladders of all those chips and soda we just consumed?)
  • Grocery shopping can be a great way to teach your child about food and nutrition. Discuss where fruits, vegetables, milk and meats come from, or why your child needs these foods. (Johnny, this contains “Aspartame.” Can you say “Aspartame?” Mommy, what’s that? That’s the fake sweetener the government says needs to be in our food because the government wants us to believe that real sweeteners such as sugar and fructose are bad for us! Don’t worry little Johnny, the government promises to pay for your cancer treatments after you eat this.)
  • Plan for a safe and healthy 4th of July cookout. Cook foods to a safe temperature to kill mictroorganisms. Use a meat thermometer. (Dang! I must have missed the memo saying that it’s okay to eat red meat again!)
  • Limit TV watching to no more than 2 hours a day, as recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics. (TV? What’s that? We’re all too busy texting, updating our status and tweeting about the fast food we just ate to watch television!)
  • Consider using paper towels to clean up kitchen surfaces. If you use cloth towels wash them often in the hot cycle of your washing machine. (This gem was brought to you by the Federal Government, which claims to be too broke to feed hot meals to our soldiers and Marines in Afghanistan and offer tours of the White House!)
  • Plan ahead to defrost foods. Never defrost food on the kitchen counter at room temperature. (It’s better to use the hot sun and the hood of your car. It’ll thaw quicker that way!)

How on earth did we ever survive our own childhood without tips like this sent daily to our smart phones? No thanks. I’ll get my recipes from Paula Deen instead.

These jewels of colossal wisdom were brought to you by your USDA, where more money is spent subsidizing people’s soda and candy cravings than is actually spent promoting American agriculture and the farmers that produce our food and fiber. The sarcasm is purely my own.


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